Five Stages Of Grief + Resiliency with Victoria Volk (Part 2)

The moment your health slips, it’s tempting to blame discipline. We take a different route and it starts with one question: what else is going on in your life that your body is carrying? Together with Victoria, we talk about the “overlay” of wellness, how relationships, stress, and loss bleed into every so-called silo, and why a doctor asking about your real life can be more healing than a quick checklist.

We also go straight at a cultural staple that quietly harms a lot of people: the five stages of grief. Victoria explains why grief isn’t linear, why emotions can hit all at once, and how the pop version of grief can push us to “be strong,” rush the pain, and pretend we’re fine. When grief gets stored instead of expressed, it doesn’t disappear, it shows up in the body and in the way we parent, partner, and lead.

From there, we explore what changes when you choose support and an evidence-based grief recovery program instead of trying to heal on an island. Victoria shares how addressing grief can unlock momentum, purpose, and deeper connection, plus the modalities that entered her life after doing the hard work, including Reiki and biofield tuning. We also talk end-of-life care, becoming a hospice volunteer, and her upcoming legacy-focused podcast project, Wisdom Keepers.

The Quiet Gift: A Journey of Self Worth and Resilience is now available for download as an audible.  Check it out!

Transcript

Reigniting Resilience And Purpose

SPEAKER_01 0:06

All of us reach a point in time where we are depleted and need to somehow find a way to reignite the fire within. But how do we spark that flame? Welcome to Reignite Resilience, where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. We'll discuss the art of reigniting our passion and strategies to stoke our enthusiasm. And now here are your hosts, Natalie Davis and Pamela Cass.

Stop Siloing Your Life

SPEAKER_03 0:41

Well, Victoria, I think it's so eye-opening that you did an overlay of like health and wellness. You're looking at this space because that's what has caught your attention in terms of it being off track, right? You're like, okay, why do I keep doing this? But doing an overlay of the other parts of your life that we tend to like silo, right? It's like, oh, my relationship with my significant other, that's one silo, my relationship with my parents or my kids. And you silo them all separate. And so to actually give yourself that space to do an overlay, okay, this is happening. Health and wellness is falling off the trains, but what else is happening in life that's leading into it? Because we're all the same person carrying it all, even though in our minds we like to compartmentalize and put it in different little envelopes. And when we're ready to deal with them, we do.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

And when you go to the doctor, the doctor never asks you, well, what's happening at home? Tell me about your personal life. Have you lost someone recently?

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Or are you going through a divorce? Like what is happening in your personal life? It's like everything is connected. We can't, like you said, thank you. That was the perfect recap of what I shared because it is. It's all connected. It's all connected.

SPEAKER_03 1:49

Yeah. I am grateful. I have a primary care physician that actually does take that time. She's like, tell me what's been going on since the last time I've seen you. And it's not like health and wellness-wise, it's like what's going on in life. And what I love is that she actually records it. And whenever I go back to visit her, she's like, oh, well, when you came the last time, this and this and this was happening. And so I feel one, it makes me feel like she is actually invested in my life, not just whatever she's checking up. But I think like having that understanding of what has happened and transpired the last 12 months, bringing you into that appointment for that day, it's like having a real well-grounded understanding is tremendously more helpful. I think that that's I know that the system is not set up that way. And I know that they are not allowed to have that much time with patients, but I'm just saying it would be great if they could give that much time. It would be great.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

We just might end up with less sick care if that could happen. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 2:43

Exactly. Keep that doctor. Exactly. Yeah, I'm keeping her. She's amazing.

When The Body Holds Grief

SPEAKER_03 2:47

So I find it interesting also because when you went into this personal work of peeling back the layers of the onion, you talk about like going to this retreat and the roadblocks that pop up, the roadblocks that pop up. And I couldn't help but think of like the comfort that your subconscious brain probably had with that, right? Because you held on to that way of dealing with grief for so long. And the fact that you had this excitement or momentum or buildup to address it probably initiated some type of physiological response as well. Like we've been fine all this time. Don't change how we've held on to this or where we've stored this in the body. And so for you to actually go through the physiological response of going through this training, that speaks exactly to what Pam said. Like your body keeps a score always, good, bad, or indifferent. Your body is constantly keeping the score. Very true. Yes.

The Five Stages Myth

SPEAKER_03 3:43

Yeah. Talk to us about the book. You said that you started the blogging, got the dog, started the blogging. You realize that you had this new creative outlet, and that led to the book. What was that journey like? Is that running parallel to your experience as well?

SPEAKER_00 3:56

So that started in 2014, 15, the blog. I just started blogging about my spiritual journey, feeling like I was becoming more something in me was opening up, right? I think when we start to explore what makes us tick, why we do the things we do, we start to not only see ourselves differently, but other people, and we start to show up a little differently. And so that was just kind of like I thought I was doing really well, right? I actually, after the book came out, I thought I was doing really well. And then again, like I said, another loss, and like here I go again. But if I wrote that book today, it would be a very different book. It would be through the lens of what I know now about grief. Because even in writing that book, I was just learning as I was going. And I still hadn't, I don't even know if I used the word grief. Yeah, I did use the word grief in the book. I'd have to look at that. I haven't actually haven't looked at that in a long time. But I'd be curious. I did talk about the stages of grief, which there are no stages that I learned. There are no stages of grief.

SPEAKER_03 5:03

Which then just shatters everything that we've known. Everything's a huge myth.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Yeah. So Elizabeth Keebler Ross, who this is coined after the stages of grief. Her son, Ken Ross, was actually on my podcast, Grieving Voices. And we had this conversation, but his mother's work was about her work in hospice and with terminal ill patients. So it was like this process that the terminally ill go through, like these different things they experience. Acceptance, denial. Like, yeah. So this information came out through the lens of people dying, the actual people dying, not a griever after someone died, right?

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Which they're going the opposite direction, right? I think a griever is wanting to survive and thrive, like we say, right? Instead of like, oh, this is the end, that process will be different. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:57

Well, and what happens when you're dying is you do not saying your emotions are linear, but you do follow a linear path to death. Like it is a you know, linear progression until you take your last breath. Yeah. The last thing to go is your hearing, it's the last scent to go. So you follow that linear path when you're actively dying, but what's his name? I can't get his name right now. It should be on the top of my head. But he co-wrote a book with Elizabeth Keebler-Ross about the sixth stage or whatever. And I don't know if it was like a precursor to his own book that came out after Elizabeth Keebler-Ross died, because now he has the seventh stage finding meaning or something like that. I don't know. And I'm not knocking his work or anything like that, but it's only perpetuated this pop culture because it's everywhere. I mean, you can't watch like The Simpsons even mention the five stages of grief. Like it's everywhere. And it's just not what happens. And we don't go through these, we feel everything and we feel it all at once, and we feel it all at a hundred percent. There's like no half grievers. We're not feeling rage and sadness one after the other. We can feel it at the exact same time, right? It's both and. So, anyway, yeah, that's a huge myth.

SPEAKER_03 7:20

That just rocked my world because I just thought that that was part of it. And you go through it, I just have that as running parallel with loss, right? Whenever you have any type of loss that you're gonna go through these and and you come out on the other end, and maybe that's kind of what has prompted at least our generation to not really deal with grief well, because we just think, well, let's just go through the five stages. I've arrived, here we are. Let's move on, check the box. We're good. Everyone's good, we're great. And couple that with the I've got to be strong, I don't have time, I've got to hold it together, I've got things to do. I'm gonna say, Yes, yes, a job to do.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Yes. Well, and like you mentioned, when we put things in a silo, right? We I think we also compartmentalize. Like, I don't even know if our brains can actually hold in as much, you know what I mean? Our brains can only hold so much. So when you're having to function at a hundred percent in your family life and in your work life and in your personal life, and raising kids and doing all the things, and like you're the sandwich generation, maybe you're even raising your grandkids and your kids' kids, or you know, your kids yet, and your parents, you're taking care of your parents. So it's like we're in a pressure cooker, the way it is. And now I have to deal with grief. Well, shh, that I'll deal with that later.

Healing That Changes Your Relationships

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Yeah, the thing is, is what I want people to get if they get anything out of this. It's like you have no idea the potential that you hold within you when you address it and how your relationships will change for the better. You will become the parent you desire to be. I feel that 1000%, if there was one reason to go through grief recovery or to go through an evidence-based program like I did, do it for your kids because I look at myself as a cycle breaker. I am not continuing that pattern of behavior and how to respond to grief and how to respond to life when things aren't going well, like maybe my peers are, or my friends, or my my siblings, or my mother, right? Like my mother is an unhealed mother. I didn't want that for my kids. And I show up differently for them when I am working on me. And I think if you do anything, if you do any healing work for anybody, number one, do it for yourself. But number two, you will see how that ripples out. Because you can either ripple out anger and anxiety and fear and resentment and all these other things we hold on to that's like poison in our bodies, or we can let our light shine. Really, it lets your light shine when you feel lighter, when you show up differently, and and you're living out your potential, and you look to the future with hope and joy and excitement of what's next, instead of like fear and unfear of that uncertainty of what's next. It's like you can feel excited about what's next, even if you don't know what that is. And I think so many people are just dwelling in the uncertainty and that fear and overwhelmed. There's just a lot of overwhelm, I think, too. Yeah, absolutely. If anybody did anything, took one action from this podcast, I would recommend reading the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. You will learn more about grief. It's the book that I thought I could heal myself and heal everybody else. You can't heal on an island. You can't. You can't do it alone. That's what I learned and trying. I've tried many times, but you will learn about grief, and you will know more than probably 90% of the people in your life just reading that book.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

I love that.

Reiki And Biofield Tuning

SPEAKER_03 11:00

Tell us about the work that you're doing now. How are you showing up and helping individuals?

SPEAKER_00 11:04

And that's the other beautiful thing because after I like addressed the emotional gunk, the sludge in my heart, right? Like cleared that away. I was open to whatever was coming. It's like whatever was meant for me was not gonna pass me by because I kept hearing about Reiki, Reiki, Reiki, and I was like, the me before would have been like, eh, whatever. I don't know what that is. But the me after was like, oh, I heard it once, I heard it twice, now three times. Like, what's this? I know to Google, like what's great, you know, what's what's what's Reiki? Yes. I ended up going to Reiki level one and two certification. I'm like, I had the most profound healing experience there. I had a really I had a memory actually come forth that I had suppressed that just had the tears coming, and it was like, whoa, like that was a very somatic experience. Then I went on to my Reiki Master after that. Following my curiosity, led me to the science-y thing that is biofield tuning, which uses tuning forks and the sound frequency and the impact of that. I just did a session today, a distance session, which I give people the option either, you know, I can send you an email follow-up of what came up during your session, or we can meet live. This client, she'd been doing work with me before, and she just like, well, just send me a follow-up email. So I do the session. And for the first time in all the sessions I've had with her, the using the weighted forks came up on her Earth Star and Sun Star. Now, these are like, if we think of our energy, if you think of ourselves like a battery, we have like the positive and negative pole, like terminal, right? And we have the Midian, the central Midian line that runs through. Well, when we are feeling ungrounded, disconnected, we're not connected to our higher consciousness, we're feeling like, you know, we're losing all sense of space and time, feeling just discombobulated. It's probably because your sun star, earth star is not channeling, like your channel isn't open. It's like stagnant, static, and it's like static. It's like when you turn the radio station and you, you know, like our energy gets like that when we get all, you know. And it was just the most fascinating thing to me. I feel like a kid in a candy store when I do these sessions, because no two sessions are ever the same. And I was like, why is this coming up? And it was like the frequency that was used, the specific, because I don't choose the fork, I don't choose the tools. We do have a protocol to follow, like a guideline, but I ended up abandoning that pretty quickly and just like going with my own hybrid, like how I do things, because again, it's only because I addressed all of my own stuff that I can be a conduit or a channel for this work. But it was such an amazing session today, and it was so different. And I was just so excited to send her the follow-up email. But and she I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'm curious to see if what I'm sharing with her resonates because which it had before, but so I imagine it will, but it's yeah, like I just had this sense like this client was just like floating in space, like she like she was floating, she was so like disconnected from the ground and from the sun, like just kind of feeling like like she's just not in her body, you know, like not in her body. And so anyway, I'm curious to see what she says to that. But that's how all of these emotions that we take in and hold on to, that's physically on a cellular level has an impact on us. So me going through that work and doing that deep work changed me on a cellular level, literally raising my frequency of my body. And I can tell now when I need my own tune up. I did today. I actually did today because I've been feeling like a little stuck moving forward on some things, and I just sure shit, my right knee comes up, obstacles moving forward. Yeah, it prevails. Like it's just yeah, it's so cool to me.

SPEAKER_03 15:09

And it's a matter of just realizing it, recognizing it, and like it's like, okay, let's realign and keep going. Like, right, just let's keep moving forward.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

And the whole point in seeing all that was that everything I've accomplished has been in the last five years. Like, quite literally, all those certifications, like everything has been except the book, has been since I addressed my grief.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

And it was in that four-day event that you attended. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Yeah. End of life doula, like all of it. And now, like Monday, I'm training to be a hospice volunteer. I'm super excited about that. Like, I have not at the time I took the training, I wasn't sure like what's this gonna look like, what you know, how's this gonna be? And I actually, misinformation. I thought I had to live in the town where the organization was based out of. And she's like, no, we serve the entire state. She's like, we really need you in your area. And I'm like, okay, well, sign me up. That's perfect. Perfect. Yeah.

Building The Wisdom Keepers

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Good for you.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

I got a new podcast in the works that's gonna be like a legacy project. It really is it's tying into end of life and it's tying in death and the wisdom of the elderly, which often are shut away, put in facilities, and their stories left untold. Yeah. So I'm working on that project right now. And so, yeah, I have things coming. Do you have a name for the podcast yet? I do.

SPEAKER_03 16:33

The wisdom keepers. The wisdom keepers.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 16:38

Yeah. I I just want to make sure that we share it with our listeners in case they want to tune in. I think that's great. Wisdom keepers.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

It's probably not going to launch till later this year.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

So that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Wow. You heard it here first. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 16:52

And you'll have to reach out to us and let us know when it launches so that we can promote it and send it out to our listeners because we all go through this, and I would love to listen to what wisdom some of these people have.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

Yeah. Yes. I love it. I'm excited about it. Victoria, you're not the first. We've had many of guests that have come on that have shared, made announcements as it pertains to their business that they hadn't made to their business yet, but the announcement was officially made here. So we are grateful for you to share that with us. So, wisdom keepers. Victoria, I do want to leave us with one final piece of advice from you, other than reading the book, because that's your one

The Worst Has Already Happened

SPEAKER_03 17:32

tip. You're like, if you take no action, make sure you read the book. Speaking to our listeners that may be in a place where they're either struggling with grief or they haven't addressed the grief that they've had in their life in the past, what advice would you give to those individuals to work through or on where they're at right now?

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Well, I'll say the one thing, it's a hard truth, but it is a truth. The worst has already happened. So working on your grief is not going to be the worst thing because the worst has already happened. You've already felt the deepest pain that you're ever going to feel. Does it feel good looking at it? No. Do you have to lay on somebody's couch for five years and tell them the same story over and over and over and relive everything over and over to heal? No. And that's where this is different. It's evidence-based. And it's for working with me, it's 12 sessions because we work on two relationships, not just one, because I want you to really get the program and understand the format so you can apply it to anything else, any other relationship, intangible or not, first and foremost with people, because that's we're in the context of relationships with people, first and foremost. But yeah, it's the worst has already happened. So what do you have to lose? I think you have way more to gain. That's just my personal story and anyone that I've worked with and people that have gone through this. Any type of healing, really. It doesn't have to be grief recovery. I just think people never regret it. You know what I mean? Like you get to the other side, you don't regret that. But you do get to the end of your life and regret everything you didn't do. And that is, you know, the stuff you didn't have the capacity or the energy or the you know heart to do.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Look at how much you have been able to accomplish from going through that four-day program. It was almost like a clearing so that you could do the things that you have been meant to do.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

And we only this is the thing too. It's like not to knock therapists and stuff like that, but I have, I don't know, are you guys therapists? No. I don't play it on TV.

SPEAKER_03 19:34

You're safe. No, not at all.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Okay, so on grieving voices, I had that podcast for my mom's sabbatical. It's still a sabbatical, but I had a lot of experts on that podcast, a lot of doctors, people, experts in their field of grief, death, dying, whatever. But for the most part, and I think therapists in general, like they're taught and trained to not share, to not share their stories, to not get vulnerable with the people that they are they're helping. And what's different too about grief recovery is that we go first as the facilitator. It's like you can talk to a complete stranger in a store and they can tell you their deepest, darkest secret. And for some reason, you feel safer telling them one of yours than maybe even your own family member. But why is that? Because they went first. It's like that reciprocal depth of sharing that you only feel and experience when it's two people doing that. And that so I think with a lot of therapy, there's like this invisible wall. And I think that honestly is what keeps a lot of people stuck, is because they don't allow themselves to really get open and vulnerable because in the back of their mind it's like it's just me opening up and just me sharing, and you know what I mean? Whereas if it was more reciprocal, it's it feels different, you know? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:56

Well, it gives them permission to be vulnerable.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

If somebody else is vulnerable, it gives me perfect mission. Like you said, you know, what is it, Dare to Lead by Brene Brown? Talks about as a leader when you are honest and authentic with the people that you lead, they will trust you more and they'll be more open with you and willing to share what's going on. And I think that's true with therapists or or whatever situation.

SPEAKER_03 21:21

Exactly. Yep. Yeah, I

Vulnerability That Unlocks Healing

SPEAKER_03 21:23

love it. Victoria, how can people get a hold of you if they want to work with you one-on-one or just learn more about what you're working on?

SPEAKER_00 21:30

My website, theunleashtheart.com, that has all my links on there. Any way you want to reach me is that's the best place. I love that.

SPEAKER_03 21:37

This is an amazing any final thoughts or pieces of advice that you'd like to share with the listeners that we didn't get to today.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

I think it just ties into the worst has already happened, but it's also how you're feeling today is temporary. It's like, and one thing too, it's like people I think in the spiritual space or religious space too, it's like just pray about it, just pray about it. But I would Say pray and move your feet. You know, you gotta take action. You gotta meet the universe, you gotta meet God, you gotta meet halfway, do your part, and co-create. We're here to co-create, right? Our lives. So yeah. Be an active participant in your life. And how you do that is you address the gunk. Get rid of the gunk. That served a purpose. You know, not saying it's all bad, right? Like it's the shit that builds you up. It's the shit that causes you to find your resiliency, right?

SPEAKER_03 22:30

Absolutely. Absolutely. So prayer with action or something, however it is, your conversation with God, universe source, but you remembering the fact that you're also holding the paintbrush in your hand to co-create. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

Love it.

SPEAKER_03 22:44

I love that. Victoria, this has been amazing. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your personal story as well. I mean, just giving us some insight to what has brought you to where you are today and the impact that you're having on people's lives around the world. We are so grateful that you took some time out of your day to spend it with us, especially now that you're, I was gonna say littles, but they're adult littles are home. So spending time with your loved ones. Thank you for taking time out of your day to spend time with Pam and I. We really appreciate it. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

It was my honor. Like I said, I enjoyed the two hosts. That was been super. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 23:17

We don't throw too many curveballs. We try to make it a comfortable experience. Well, we will make sure that we drop your website in the show notes as well so our guests can find you easily.

How To Follow And Support

SPEAKER_03 23:29

And for our regular listeners, thank you for coming back. Make sure that you subscribe and download the episodes. Share them with your friends, family, or loved ones if you feel that they would find value from the episode. And if you've not had an opportunity to one, subscribe to our Think Letter, go ahead and do so. You can find that link in the show notes. And then also make sure that you check out the video version of our podcast on YouTube as well. Until next time, we will see you all soon. Have a good one.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

Thank you for joining us today on the Reignite Resilience Podcast. We hope you had some aha moments and learned a few new real life ideas to fuel the flames of passion. Please subscribe on your favorite streaming platform, like or download your favorite episodes, and of course, share with your friends and family. We look forward to seeing you again next time on Reignite Resilience.