What Happens When the Label No Longer Defines You?

When Natalie found herself frozen at the sight of a simple form asking about her relationship status, she didn't expect the visceral reaction that followed. "That's rude," she thought, refusing to check the "divorced" box that suddenly felt like an unwanted label being forced upon her identity.

This moment of unexpected triggering opens a profound conversation with divorce coach Madison Hedlund about how our bodies process emotional trauma and significant life transitions. Madison explains that these physical reactions aren't just normal—they're valuable messengers about our emotional state that deserve attention rather than suppression.

"Awareness is the first step to shifting anything," Madison shares, introducing listeners to somatic approaches that honor our body's natural responses. She guides us through the process of safely experiencing difficult emotions within our "window of tolerance," gradually expanding our capacity to move through grief, anger, and shame without becoming overwhelmed or disconnected.

The conversation transcends typical divorce discussions by addressing the societal stigma that compounds emotional pain. Madison challenges listeners to release the impossible task of controlling others' perceptions and instead develop unwavering self-trust. "I had to get so much more concerned with what I knew to be true about myself," she reflects, describing her own journey through divorce judgment.

For those supporting someone through divorce, Madison offers revolutionary advice: stop saying "let me know what you need" and start taking concrete action. Send the gift card, drop off dinner, or simply invite them to join your everyday activities. Her "Loved Ones Guide" provides comprehensive resources for friends and family who want to show up meaningfully during this critical time.

Madison's programs range from free mini-courses to one-on-one somatic sessions and her innovative "Well Fed and Unwed" dinner club, creating multiple pathways for healing. Her powerful parting message—"Your healing is inevitable"—reframes divorce not as brokenness but as part of a journey toward wholeness that, while ongoing, leads to genuine transformation.

Ready to explore your own healing journey? Connect with Madison at betterhalftohole.com and join our community at reigniteresilience.com.

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Chapters

• 0:06 Welcome to Reignite Resilience
• 1:52 Understanding Somatic Responses to Triggers
• 5:30 Working Through Emotions Without Stifling
• 9:05 Moving Beyond Labels and Judgment
• 17:04 Madison's Support Resources and Programs
• 22:49 How Friends Can Support Someone Divorcing
• 25:11 Healing is Inevitable and Possible

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:06

All of us reach a point in time where we are depleted and need to somehow find a way to reignite the fire within. But how do we spark that flame? Welcome to Reignite Resilience, where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. We'll discuss the art of reigniting our passion and strategies to stoke our enthusiasm. And now here are your hosts, Natalie Davis and Pamela Cass.

SPEAKER_01: 0:41

Madison, you said that you've started to do some somatic work as well, or you're introducing that into your body of work that you're offering. And it's interesting that you say that because we talk about like the little triggers. And as you were doing your introduction on our call today, I remember the first time I had to fill out a questionnaire and it was relationship status. There were options of single and divorced. And it was like in that moment, my entire body responded. And I was like, that's rude. That's like either I can be single and not have to check the divorce button, right? So that's it was one of those things where, and when I say like your entire body responded, my entire body just like froze in that moment. And my first reaction was that's rude. And of course I'm single because I don't want you to label me as divorced, right? Because now it's like you just want to put this additional label on top of me. Yes. Talk to us about the somatic work because that is a real thing. And it pops up when we least expect it could have been a census survey. I don't remember what it was. It was like a menial survey that I was filling out, and I was like, the audacity. How dare you ask me that? It's on your profile for Facebook. Are you singing? Divorce. Yeah. Yeah. So talk to us about that, that introduction into the work that you're doing and what your hope is in that space with the introduction of it.

unknown: 1:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 1:55

Sounds like you were ready to fight the person who is giving you the survey.

SPEAKER_02: 2:01

Yeah. How dare you? It was me in the form.

SPEAKER_05: 2:06

None of your business.

SPEAKER_02: 2:08

Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 2:10

Yeah. There's several different survival patterns, but depending on the trigger and depending on your experience, different things are going to happen. So I would say to someone, like, good for you for noticing, like you're having a response, because awareness is like the first step to shifting anything. So to notice what's happening in the body. And with the somatic pieces of that, the noticing comes first. And then depending on if you are working with someone one-on-one or if someone was working with me, if that trigger came up in a session, we would work through the trying to complete the cycle of that survival response. And so if we were working together, I might ask you, like, where did you feel that in your body? And you like said it was like adrenaline, or you felt maybe you felt hot or you had a color that was associated with that experience. And so we might actually try to make it bigger before we try to regulate it or make it smaller, because by just stifling it or squishing it, you're actually making the response stuck. Because if you are always trying to like, if you're getting worked up and you're always trying to like breathe to calm yourself down, the trigger will stay there. And so having the support of a facilitator to guide you through that whole survival response will then allow you to have what is called renegotiation so that the survival response can dissolve or dissipate in a way. And so that's really how people work through trauma, work through triggers, is giving the body enough time and space and safety to work through naturally what it does. So you might go into that fight or flight response, but then you give it enough time to actually do its thing, and then you can come back to safety. And the next time you are filling out a survey, you might not want to throat punch the survey, but you might be like annoyed, you know? So you might have a lesser response or a different response. Yeah. I was talking with a woman a while ago, and she is has been in like full-blown freeze and she's trying to tap into rage, but it's too fast. I was like, you're not gonna go from being totally frozen to like ready to fight somebody because she's like, I need to do a rage room, and I have this rage playlist. And I was like, maybe let's start small. Let's like think about being annoyed or frustrated. Like you're trying to jump 10 feet and it's not gonna happen. You have to approach it really slowly. So I told her, like, do this for 10 minutes, you know, do this for two minutes, and then maybe in a week you can think about throat punching someone. And she was like, Okay. She's like ready to go. She's like, I think I could get there. I was like, I'm gonna get you there.

SPEAKER_03: 5:23

So Natalie, allowing her to feel what she was feeling, just sitting in that feeling before you then push it away. Or is that kind of what you're saying?

SPEAKER_05: 5:34

Yeah, feeling the feelings as much as you can manage it, as much as you can tolerate it, but then also not wanting to, it's called your window of tolerance, you know, not wanting to blow past that where you are then not present in your body. You're not able to notice what's happening. And it takes practice. Yeah. So maybe in that moment it was tolerable to feel for the frustration or to feel the anger for 10 seconds. Maybe it was two seconds. Maybe the next time it'll be a minute. And so noticing what's happening in the body, and as long as you can tolerate staying with the feeling, but as soon as you notice, you're like, oh, I'm going somewhere else. Maybe at that point, you try to take some deep breaths or you stand up, you feel your feet on the floor, you like do something with your hands so that you can come back into the body. We can overdo it by going too deeply into an emotion or a feeling so that it's really difficult to come back out of it. And I think a lot of people are worried about that, especially with sadness and especially with anger, it becoming uncontrollable or like unruly. But then it's also not reality to be living in this constant bliss state where nothing is wrong ever. And so it's really practicing, going back and forth between maybe something you're frustrated with and something that's on your gratitude list, and practicing going back and forth. Because you do have to feel the feelings for them to move through. But sometimes we can feel sad too long. And it's okay to remind yourself that things are gonna be okay without minimizing or denying that you have a range of emotions.

SPEAKER_03: 7:20

Are there keys to how you know when I've probably been in this space a little bit too long and I probably need to get out of it? Are you open to like sharing? Like sharing like a like like an example?

SPEAKER_05: 7:34

Yeah, or like if you feel like you've been really sad for a while or really angry for a while, like what do you notice in your body when you have that thought of like maybe I should move out of this?

SPEAKER_03: 7:45

I will just like obsess about it. Like, and then I'm like, it's just like conversations I'm having in my head with the other person that I'm angry with, or I should it say this. And I and then I'm just like obsessed, or then I start like death strolling on Facebook or Instagram or TikTok or something, and then I'm like in this space where I've just almost like have no awareness of anything around me.

SPEAKER_05: 8:10

Yeah. So if you can, when you start to notice, like, oh, I'm having this conversation again. Oh, I'm starting to get worked up. I just want to go in, you know, whatever it is you need to do, seeing if you can notice when that starts happening in yourself. And maybe you do have like a tell for yourself of like, oh, I've had this thought. This is it's been five minutes.

SPEAKER_04: 8:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 8:37

Or I'm saying one thing and then I'm getting more angry and saying another thing, and then I'm getting more angry and saying another thing, and who do I want to tell? You know, like whatever, whatever that kind of tipping point for you is, and maybe you see the tipping point and you still go past it, but being more aware over time of like, oh, I know if I go look at their Instagram profile and start scrolling back years and years and years, it's not great for me.

unknown: 9:06

You know.

SPEAKER_05: 9:07

Probably should maybe not follow. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Maybe unfollow. So yeah, noticing when you if you can, if you do have the awareness early on when you're like starting to go down that. And then also to be compassionate towards yourself, because that's a very natural response. I think it is.

SPEAKER_01: 9:27

When I go back and think about my, you know, throat punching the gal that handed me the clipboard to fill out my relationship status, not her fault. But Madison, you touched on something that was, I think, right there for me. It was the stifling of the emotion, right? Because in going through everything, you're able to handle so much, as you mentioned. And for me, one thing that I had control over was having to wear this label of being a divorcee, right? Like I don't have to say it, I don't introduce myself as that, I don't talk about it in my everyday life. And then I hit that wall where I had to make a choice on a survey question, right? And because I stifled what I like to say, my relationship with that label or the word or it being a part of who I am, I never faced it, you know, head on. And so then I had that that I did have that reaction response. And how many times have we filled out a questionnaire with those same questions on there? And it never, when I was married, it never stood out. I'm like, Mary, check, let's move on. Let's, that's that's the answer. And so the only one that I think would ever evoke any type of response is widow, because then I'd like to have that empathy. I'm like, oh my gosh, that'd be so hard if you're a widower and da-da-da. But not giving myself the space to actually just have a relationship with that descriptor, right? Like you are divorced, and this is part of who you are, and it's part of your journey. It's part of who you, you know, who you are moving forward. It doesn't define me, but I stifled it for so long. And I had that moment where it was like, yep, nope, now you need to talk about it. You need to think about it. Give yourself that space to dive into it. Yeah. I think that's like just a piece. It's like not as you talk about like giving ourselves the space to just be with that emotion, it's seeing what relationship we have with like the labels, the the life that we're living now, the new what our future looks like, and the emotions, right? It's all of that together.

SPEAKER_05: 11:19

Yeah, there is a lot of even when moving forward or ending the relationship is like the right thing to do, there's still grief. It's still a massive change.

SPEAKER_01: 11:30

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 11:31

And then there's also, I think things are shifting some now, but it depends on the communities you're in. It depends on your family, the stigma around divorce and the assumptions that come with that. And then I think also where, at least for me, I did have a lot of shame because I was so worried about what are people going to think of me when they learn this information about me. And I had no control over that. And there was a different story for every single person. And so having to let go of trying to maintain a reputation or trying to control the narrative, it's impossible. And so I had to get really so much more concerned with what I knew to be true about myself. And then the like the truth would come out, you know, or like who I was would come forth, even if someone did judge me or was disappointed in me or thought I could have done things differently. They weren't there. They don't know the whole story. They were not in the relationship, and I had to make a decision that was going to be the best thing for me and trusting that. And it's tricky. It's a there's a lot of I think expectations around how divorced people are supposed to act and how people respond to you says so much about their perspective on divorce, even without knowing anything about your experience.

SPEAKER_03: 13:06

Yeah. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01: 13:08

I have um friends that share that they're going through a divorce or someone that I meet that's going through a divorce. I typically say, congratulations or my condolences, whichever's appropriate for you. Right? Like, I don't know. Like, I don't know your story, but I think historically it's like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Which, like you said, there is that level of grief, but you weren't in the relationship. So maybe this is a celebrate, like a congratulations and good for you for recognizing, realizing, making a choice for yourself. Or, you know, maybe you were on the side of it that you it you were unexpected and you didn't realize it, or there were circumstances that led to it. Every situation is so different. And I love that I think you're right. Like society is shifting away from that response that evokes shame all the time, right? It's like, do better, try harder, do it again, give it another go. Whatever it is that was said historically, yeah, that I watched my parents and generations before say and do.

SPEAKER_03: 14:08

But well, yeah, even predict, you know, in movies we see it, and in TV shows we see it. And sometimes, I mean, I'm in a relationship, but it's like, oh, you're still still single? You're not you're not remarried yet? And you're like questions. I was like, you're still married?

SPEAKER_02: 14:27

You know, that's what I should say back. You know, it's like, come on, that's a thing. Wouldn't the tables turn if you say that you're like, you're still married? You're still married to your husband? Oh, really? How many years has it been? Surprise.

SPEAKER_03: 14:41

How'd you manage to pull that off? Yeah, it's just yeah, and it's so the then you just don't want to say anything. Exactly. Yeah. Which is like, well, that's so silly because, well, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 14:53

It is. It truly is. It truly is. Well, Madison, for our listeners, first of all, thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight so far. But I'd love to like if is there a way that they can get in touch with you if they have an opportunity to work with you? What would that look like for them?

SPEAKER_05: 16:02

Yeah, there are a few different ways we can work together. I have a free online mini course that is called Divorced Now What? And that is accessible to everyone. And the best way to access everything is going to be my website, which is betterhalftohole.com. And on there you can find the free mini course and get access to that. And then also, if someone is interested in exploring somatic work one-on-one, they can book exploratory session with me and we can talk about what that might look like and really what it is that they're trying to work through. And those are really the two main, two main ways people work with me. I share quite a bit on Instagram for free, different things around abundance flows and just reminders of you can both be grieving and be really happy and proud of yourself. And so, really showing that like actual real experience of what it's like to live as a divorced person, and that it doesn't have to be all about divorce. So the somatic work is one-on-one. And I also offer grounding sessions that are 30 minutes, and that's for real, real-time co-regulation, most of the time for people who are in the throes of divorce and maybe aren't in a position to commit to like a three-long container with me one-on-one, but they have a court date coming up, or they have really challenging exchange with a co-parent. So those are 30 minutes. You can book those on my website. And there was one other thing. And those are virtual, correct?

SPEAKER_01: 17:48

It's all virtual. I said you meet them in the field. Yes. Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_05: 17:54

One thing I am launching, which I'm I'm really excited about. It'll be, it's very casual, but it will be like a dinner club for divorcees, and we'll meet somewhere in town once a month. And it's called Well Fed and Unwed.

unknown: 18:10

Oh.

SPEAKER_05: 18:11

Yes. I love it. We'll just hang out. So just really being able to offer, you know, the self-paced and then one-on-one and then out in the community and then also virtually.

SPEAKER_03: 18:23

So I think a little bit of everything. I think that that uh well-fed that's could be really big. You could be taking over restaurants with that group.

SPEAKER_01: 18:32

So you cap them. I'm loving these dinner events that are that are bubbling up. Yeah, I think this is awesome. This is right in our backyard too. So, Madison, it sounds like you know, it doesn't really matter what stage a person is in. Like if they are considering contemplating, not sure if divorce is the path that they want to go, if they're in the midst of a divorce, uh, the process and proceedings, they can reach out to you post-divorce. And then those that are ready to reintegrate with community dinner. Yeah, through dinner, they can connect with you there as well.

SPEAKER_03: 19:07

Yeah, I love it. I wish I had something like that when I was going through my divorce. That would have made a huge difference.

SPEAKER_01: 19:15

No, I think I'm still gonna do the online course because you know, you know, you never know like what's gonna trigger you until it triggers you. And then you're sitting there staring at a clipboard, upset and angry for who knows why, right? It's just you don't know.

unknown: 19:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 19:29

Well, and I think there are it's totally legit that there are things that we haven't had the emotional capacity or time to pay attention to. And for you to be like, I'm not gonna analyze my relationship with the word divorce, you know, as you're going through it, is also very human. And so things may come up now that you're like, oh, didn't think about that then. But you have the the time and the space and the emotional capacity to deal with it now. And that is something we can celebrate, even though it's not easy.

SPEAKER_03: 20:04

Yeah. I love that.

SPEAKER_01: 20:06

We've talked a lot about the individual going through. I'd love to spend just a few moments speaking to the people that make up the community, the tribe, the circles, the support system. What advice would you give those individuals?

SPEAKER_05: 20:20

Just do stuff. Don't wait for the person to let you know what they need because they don't know a lot of times, and they probably don't have the emotional capacity to think about the five people who said to them, I'm here for you. Let me know, reach out. They're not going to more often than not. So just showing up, sending the gift card, inviting them to coffee, stopping by their house, making extra dinner, and just leaving it, you know, with them that are really practical and tangible. And they'll say if it's like, it's like, you're calling me too much, you know, but it's unlikely that they will be like, I'm getting too much support from you. Probably not gonna say that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 21:05

Wait until they say that.

SPEAKER_04: 21:06

And then you can also go back. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_05: 21:10

Yeah. And then it doesn't have to be this like, we're planning a girls' weekend every weekend. It's like, I'm going to the farmer's market Saturday. Do you want to come with me? So that invitation to join what you're already doing. You don't have to plan a whole new thing because I just want to be with people and like have some normalcy, like sense of normal routine. And then, yeah, the let me know what you need, peace is really huge. And then also acknowledge that there is a mutual loss because your friendship dynamics have shifted. And if it was a relationship where it felt pretty mutual, it probably won't feel as mutual while they're going through the divorce. And it's going to take time, it's going to keep coming up. It's like not going to be something that you talk about at one girl's night and then it doesn't ever come up again. Like the topic's going to remain for a while. And acknowledging, like, oh, this does change the friendship. And you also get to decide how you want to engage with that person. I love that.

SPEAKER_01: 22:16

I I know that's spot on. Fabulous. I wanted to speak to those individuals as well because if they're listening and wondering how can I be of support, what can I do? Now they have these tools that they can they can apply.

SPEAKER_05: 22:27

I do also have the loved ones guide for friends and family supporting the divorcing.

SPEAKER_04: 22:33

Oh.

SPEAKER_05: 22:34

And it's like 25 pages and it's conversation starters, tips and tricks, how to support someone who's going through divorce. So specifically for the communities around someone divorcing, because they oftentimes don't know what to do and then don't do anything. And that doesn't match their heart behind supporting their friend.

SPEAKER_03: 22:55

So I love that. And that's available on the website as well. Okay. Perfect. You're going to have a lot of people heading to your website.

SPEAKER_01: 23:03

Exactly. I know. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you for creating those free resources. And as you said, like you've done so much in terms of training and messaging and resources that are complimentary. So thank you for putting those out and available in one spot. Incredible.

SPEAKER_05: 23:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 23:19

The loved ones guide is paid, but there are lots of free ones. Perfect.

SPEAKER_03: 23:25

That's all right. That is something that yeah, I think will be very popular.

SPEAKER_01: 23:30

Yes, because you don't know. So what do you say? Right? Is it is it congratulations or I'm sorry, right? Like I just just because of my personality, I can bundle them together and you take it however you want. But what do you say? Like, and what do we do? How frequently do I reach out to you? I think that's those are important pieces for the supporters to know about. That's a big figures in those times. Yeah. Madison, you've shared a ton. Is there anything that you'd like to share with our listeners that we haven't touched on today that you want to share? Make sure that you get out in the world.

SPEAKER_05: 23:59

One thing I've started saying recently, and I really do believe this, is that your healing is inevitable. And it's possible. And I really do believe that. And that people experience like brokenheartedness, but there isn't you're not broken as a human. I do think healing is possible and it's ongoing, but it is inevitable.

SPEAKER_01: 24:26

That's powerful. Healing is inevitable. I think that's a great place for us to that's great. Madison, thank you. Thank you, thank you. This has been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for sharing all of your knowledge as well. And some of those subtle things that happen in our lives that we don't realize there's some meaning to that, that we should probably stop and explore it, give ourselves some space. And I'm just gonna go swim in some abundance for you know the rest of the year.

SPEAKER_03: 24:53

I like that for the rest of the year.

SPEAKER_01: 24:56

For the rest of the year, why not? It's it's gonna feel amazing. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you so much for sharing with us and our listeners. We will make sure that we put all of your contact information in the show notes, as well as your website. I've connected with you on Instagram, so I'll make sure to tag you on some of those abundant shares that I have. And then for our listeners, if you have not found us on YouTube, head on over to YouTube, check out the video version of this podcast. But you can also find out everything that's happening in the world of Reignite Resilience at reigniteresilience.com or on Facebook and Instagram. And our book is almost ready for release. So we will make sure that we get that message out to all of you on where you can purchase. It's where all books are sold. So we're really excited about this project coming to a completion. And, you know, of course, there are multiple other books that are in the works on the back end. But neither here nor there. Things are going, things are happening. Until next time, we will see you all soon. Thanks everyone.

SPEAKER_00: 25:52

Thank you for joining us today on the Reignite Resilience Podcast. We hope you had some aha moments and learned a few new real life ideas to fuel the flames of passion. Please subscribe on your favorite streaming platform, like or download your favorite episodes, and of course, share with your friends and family. We look forward to seeing you again next time on Reignite Resilience.