Healing, Hope + Resiliency with Dana S. Diaz (Part 1)

We are honored to welcome back Dana S Diaz, a resilient survivor and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. Dana courageously opens up about her journey from a tumultuous childhood and challenging 25-year marriage to finding empowerment and purpose. Her books, "Gasping for Air" and "Choking on Shame," aim to break the silence surrounding these painful experiences, offering hope and understanding to those in similar struggles. Through her story, we explore the impact of past traumas on present relationships and how Dana's journey to self-discovery can inspire us all to reignite resilience in our lives.

About Dana S Diaz:
A survivor of child abuse and an abusive marriage, Dana S. Diaz has made it her mission to serve as a voice for victims of narcissistic abuse. Her experiences were the source of inspiration for Gasping for Air, her first book, and Choking on Shame, the prequel to be released in September 2024.

Dana lives with her husband in Illinois and is working on the sequel to Gasping for Air.

www.facebook.com/danasdiazauthor
Www.instagram.com/danas.diaz

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Chapters

• 0:06 Reignite Resilience
• 7:18 From Narcissistic Abuse to Self-Discovery
• 18:19 Unveiling Resilience and Empowerment

Transcript

: 0:06

All of us reach a point in time where we are depleted and need to somehow find a way to reignite the fire within. But how do we spark that flame? Welcome to Reignite Resilience, where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. Resilience where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. We'll discuss the art of reigniting our passion and strategies to stoke our enthusiasm. And now here are your hosts, natalie Davis and Pamela Cass.

natalie: 0:41

Before we begin today's episodes, we want to provide you with a brief update. The content that you're about to hear contains sensitive information regarding trauma, narcissistic behavior and abuse, and, while our goal is to inspire growth and healing, we understand that these topics may be triggering to some. Your well-being is our priority. If you feel overwhelmed, please feel free to pause, take a breath and remember that you are stronger than you know. Together, we'll navigate this journey of resilience and transformation, but if you find yourself in need of additional support, we encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend, family member or mental health professional, and remember seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You can also find additional resources for support by calling a national helpline that's dedicated to trauma and abuse survivors. Welcome back to another episode of Reignite Resilience. I am your co-host, natalie Davis, and I am so excited to be back with you all today, and joining me is our co-host, pam Cass. Hello Pam, how are you?

pamela: 1:47

Hello, I am fabulous. I was just laughing because I'm looking outside. It's dry, blue sky. But last week I did a hike up to Crozier Mountain those of you in Colorado know where Crozier Mountain is and there was a foot of snow. I was in my sarals and, thank goodness, I had my crampons. If you don't know what those are, they're these metal things you put on the bottom of your shoes so that you can get. There's a terrible name. I do not know who came up with this name. They're called crampons, don't ask.

natalie: 2:20

Of course you know what the creator of that is a crampon, that's it.

pamela: 2:25

I don't know when somebody told me you need to get those. I'm like last night, of course, you know what the creator of that is a crampon, that's it. I don't know when somebody told me you need to get those. I'm like I'm not buying crampons, no, so it's a thing. But it was lifesaver. So I took my dog on Thanksgiving day and did a 14 mile hike in like about a foot of snow, but it was gorgeous Clear blue sky. You could see for for miles and miles and miles, and you know I forget about that in Colorado that we can be down here with nothing, but we can 30 minutes away and we're in the beautiful mountains never forget about it because I am always watching.

natalie: 2:57

this is the only time of year the winter season in Colorado is the only time of year that I have the weather app active on my phone. Any other season spring, fall, summer I don't have the weather app, and so this is the only time, because I want to see how close is this snow getting before it gets to the front range.

pamela: 3:16

Yes, because we don't want it down here.

natalie: 3:18

Like don't mistake.

pamela: 3:19

We don't want it here, we love it 75.

natalie: 3:22

Exactly. We love it in the parts of Colorado where it supports the economy, that's what we?

pamela: 3:26

yes, yeah, that is a good way to look at it. Not down here, not here. Well, good for you, I love it.

natalie: 3:34

I don't plan on doing. I'm not a winter sport gal, so I wait until the late spring, early summer to start doing outdoor activities.

pamela: 3:42

But yeah good for you.

natalie: 3:44

That sounds like fun and I'm sure that Oakley loved it he, he slept for two days.

pamela: 3:49

Of course he did, of course he did, he loved it. Yeah, he was, he was. I wish I had a GoPro or something on him, but a GPS, so I could, yes, back his foots, because he's like I'm going like this and he's like boing, boing, oh my gosh, could we please?

natalie: 4:03

maybe this is our next thing is to get a GoPro for Oakley as he has his adventures in Colorado. I really should. I am like in awe with whoever has the GoPro on their cats that are like terrorizing other cats in these cities. I don't know if you've seen this. It's a thing.

: 4:18

It's on social media, all right. Someone has put a GoPro on a cat and I put a gopro on a cat and I feel like this cat's a little bit of a bully, but you kind of like get to see the day in the life of a cat and they're just like running around and, anyway, that's the day in the life of my cat, and when you watch this on youtube, you're gonna see my cat who has been sleeping in this chair since about seven this morning.

pamela: 4:35

Well, it's not done anything, so that's my cat. So, but oakley, that's a different story, that that would be fun.

natalie: 4:42

That would be so much fun. I love it. Yeah, awesome, oh my gosh. Well, we have a guest today. Actually, we have a repeat guest today, you all. So, pam, why don't you tell our listeners who's coming back to join us today? Absolutely, with some more exciting news, because I love, I love it, I know.

pamela: 5:00

Well, I was trying to think, and I should have looked it up when this guest was on last it is, I know it was last year. Was it last year? Yeah, it was last year, oh my gosh. Anyway, today I'm so excited we have a survivor of child abuse and an abusive marriage. Dana Diaz has made it her mission to serve as a voice for victims of narcissistic abuse. Her experiences were the source of the inspiration for Gasping for Air, her first book, and Choking on Shame, the prequel to be released of September of 2024. Dana lives with her husband in Illinois and is working on the sequel to Gasping for Air and it sounds like that will be releasing in February. So welcome back. We are so excited to have you as a repeat our first repeat guest.

dana diaz: 5:53

I know I'm so excited to be your first repeat guest and we had snow today, just a little dusting here in Illinois, so I feel for you, but we don't wear crampons, so did you even?

pamela: 6:05

know what those were before you got on this call we call them treads over here, but yeah, I've never, heard crampons.

dana diaz: 6:12

Yeah, that's weird, but they're helpful. They are.

natalie: 6:16

I was going to say. I've been to Chicago in the winter and I feel like if there was a place that I needed a crampon, it would have been there.

dana diaz: 6:23

Yes, for real, for real.

: 6:30

But like, if there was a place that I needed a cramp on, it would have been there.

dana diaz: 6:32

Yes, for real, for real, but yes, but thank you, guys for having me on and, and you know, I too have gizmo with me who is sleeping. He doesn't have a chair, he just rests on me, so there's two of us here.

natalie: 6:37

I love it. That's beautiful. I love it. Well. Welcome to gizmo as well. Welcome back, dana. I mean, here's the thing when we spoke the last time, you had book two in the works and you knew that it was happening. And it has come to be. So congratulations on book two. And now, sitting down and visiting with you, you actually have the third that is out there and ready to go. You actually have the third that is out there and ready to go. So talk to us a little bit about this journey that you've gone through, from the completion of book one and let's just go to book two, because I feel like that was a huge milestone in itself to release the second part.

dana diaz: 7:16

Oh, absolutely. Well, it's astonishing to me that I've even published a book, and I only ever meant to publish Gasping for Air, but it was so hard. I mean, I would be embarrassed if anyone saw the first version of it, because it was about double the size and anyone who hasn't read it. It's quite a large book, but I'm told it's a page turner. People can read it in a day or two because they don't want to put it down.

dana diaz: 7:45

But the thing about it was is that there's so much narcissistic abuse. There are so many layers to unravel there. So Gasping for Air focused on my first marriage, a 25-year relationship from beginning to a little after the end, because it's still going. The relationship does not end, unfortunately, when you divorce. So the response to Gasping for Air was it's still tremendous. I mean, it is going strong. It was a best-selling book, it was a number one new release. But the big question, even from the publisher, was like we've met you, You're intelligent, you seem strong, You're all these, you know. Publisher was like we've met you, you're intelligent, you seem strong, you're all these, you know.

dana diaz: 8:28

I was feeling good about myself, all these things people were saying about me, but they're like, how does somebody like you end up in this relationship where you're subservient to you know, I mean I don't want to say anything judgmental, but to somebody that really you shouldn't have been been? Not that anyone should be to anybody, but this was a man of lesser education, a lesser lifestyle. You know, we'll put it politely that way, and my answer immediately was well, my childhood, I mean, I was basically primed for that. So had I ever imagined I would write a book about my childhood? No, because I mean, there's also this aspect as an author of you want to protect people. But then I'm like, but this is part of my truth and I'm not existence at all.

dana diaz: 9:13

That led to these feelings of deficiency and all the stuff that happened and the abuse and all that that led me into a situation where I clearly had no self-respect or love for myself, that I would submit to this person into this situation that I was tolerating for 25 years nonetheless, and submitting our child to. So that's where Choking on Shame came out of, because I was, I am, the ultimate scapegoat child of a family and I mean it's just, there's so much there, and it's another large book. There was a lot to cover there, but just to give people a little idea just a little of the background, was that my mother she was with my biological father when they were teenagers and on his birthday I was created. They were having some fun. She just hasn't been able to still, to this day, really accept her part, her responsibility, in my creation. So there was this shame around my conception where she wanted to blame and still does blame, everybody else, including me, for causing her all of the judgment and the ridicule that she got being an unwed teenage mother in the 70s. Because you know, for those that are younger, there was actually a time where that was not okay. That was very much not acceptable in our society.

dana diaz: 10:56

I was, in fact, born at the Salvation Army Hospital in Chicago. So this time of year I always remind people if you see one of those people with the red jars out there, please deposit some coins, because there's people like me that might have been left in a dumpster or might have been left on a porch of a church if it weren't for the Salvation Army, you know, providing their services to young mothers back then, right from the get-go. I was born, she wanted to give me up for adoption. She literally wanted no part of me. In fact, immediately after my birth she had her tubes tied at 17 years old. I was actually born on her 17th birthday, which is another irony I'll never understand. The universe just played a little joke on both of us, I guess, but they actually tied her tubes on her 17th birthday. I came out, the placenta came out and her tubes got tied.

dana diaz: 11:45

So grandma and great grandma came to the hospital to see their first born grandchild and great grandchild. Here I am. They just said there's no way. We're not letting another family raise her. So grandma said she would get a job to pay for me, and this was a time where women were starting to get into the workforce. So grandma said she would get a job to pay for me, and this was a time where women were starting to get into the workforce. So grandma was willing to do that and great grandma was already home by herself. So she said well, I'll take care of her, and that was the start of my life. So it was okay and I'm grateful my great grandma to this day I mean, she's deceased. Obviously I'm going to be 49 this month, but she was really in my heart, my mother, and she was the person that gave grasp. That don't have. You know, it's a strange dynamic, but I just assumed she was like my uncles that came over and visited and cousins and whoever.

dana diaz: 12:49

I didn't, because I'm watching tv. I am one, two, three, four, five years old. I'm watching Sesame Street Great Space Coaster, mr Rogers, you I could see mothers in cartoons, fathers, siblings. I understood family dynamics, yet it was great grandma that was rocking me. When I was upset, she was the one feeding me and giving me baths and tucking me in every night and singing to me, and she was the one I spent my days with, not my actual mother. So it was hard to kind of negotiate that as a little kid, but I didn't think too much of it because I was a little kid.

dana diaz: 13:30

But lo and behold, and where the story gets real interesting is when my mother decided to move in with one of her boyfriends and and he lived in the suburbs, he was much older than her, in fact he was married didn't tell her. He was married for over a year. And then she found out and that's when he divorced his wife, kept the house that they shared together but decided to move me and my mother in. Everyone in the family thought this was great because you know they came from Puerto Rico, they worked very hard and I was never lacking for anything. But this idea of, oh, she's going to go live in a house and he has a car and he has a job and all these things. It was like this idea that, you know, my mother would never kind of get out, so to speak. This was kind of her way out, and I truly believe that's part of the basis of their relationship. No judgment there, honestly, but that's what she wanted for herself.

dana diaz: 14:32

Why I was dragged into it, I'll never understand, but I think it's because grandma and great grandma and everybody thought that I would have a better life. They thought they were doing the right thing and that I should be with my mother. Well, that was not the case, unfortunately. Almost every day, from about the time I was the age of five, on every day, there was physical abuse. Very clearly there was physical abuse, but the verbal was what stuck with me.

dana diaz: 15:01

I shouldn't be paying for another man's child. You should be grateful. I'm even letting you sleep here Because I had a bed when I moved in, but then I didn't have a bed. I had to sleep on the floor. But I should be grateful I had a floor to sleep on. Okay, you know I shouldn't have to pay for you to eat. You know you're a bird and you know your mother never wanted you. She never even loved you. She's never going to love you. Nobody's ever going to love you.

dana diaz: 15:26

I want people to really understand and listen to the words I'm saying. Think about a five-year-old kid that you know, whether it's yours or a niece or a nephew or your neighbor's kid. Five years old who the hell says that to a little child? And then, as I'm going on, I'm 10 years old, 12 years old, going to dance class in a leotard and tights, being told that I look like a whore and is that? Do I want everyone to see my body? And you know all these things. And criticizing. At six years old, eating a peanut butter jelly and being told that I'm going to get fat. And then nobody's going to want me if I keep eating like that. Oh, you're going to have another helping of spaghetti. You shouldn't be eating all those carbs. I'm six.

pamela: 16:09

Yeah.

dana diaz: 16:09

I'm six. No wonder I've had it. I've been fighting, finally at 49. I'm 48. I keep saying 49. So it's coming soon, but I'm finally in the last year I have pretty much overcame that eating disorder. But 40 some years of my life I've lived with counting calories, starving myself, sticking my finger down my throat over exercising to over compensate for that extra little piece of pie or whatever. I'm finally like I'm hungry, going to eat, and that's something that normal people can conceive of, but I cannot. And I have gained more than 10 pounds and I look healthy now and I acknowledge that. But it's very hard because I always have that thing in my head, that tape playing over and over, hearing him saying nobody's going to want you, nobody's going to want you.

dana diaz: 17:01

So there's a lot of damage that comes with the verbal abuse you know my mother has had her hands around my neck, strangled me, thought I was going to die that night and for some reason that doesn't faze me as much as the verbal abuse. So it was a long. Yeah, it was a long. Yeah, it was a. It was a long journey to get the heck out of that house and out of that situation. But thankfully and I go back to it, thankfully I could see my grandma, my great-grandma, my uncles. They didn't treat me like that.

dana diaz: 17:35

So I knew right from wrong. I could see in my friends, when I go to play with my little friends or the neighbors, their families didn't function that way. So I knew it was wrong and it felt wrong. But my mother, she enabled it, she excused it, she tolerated it and she expected me to do the same. And I couldn't do it.

dana diaz: 17:55

And so this day we're estranged. She wants nothing to do with me. She cut ties with me a handful of years ago and in fact telling me she cannot be his wife and my mother simultaneously and she was choosing to be his wife. So here we are and I'm okay with it. I'm not sorry, I mean again, at my age I still want my mommy. I mean, of course, when I got married. I wanted to have that moment of my mother seeing me in my wedding dress or even taking her wedding dress shopping or having those moments going for coffees and manicures. You know, with mom. I don't get that and I'll never have that, and that's fine.

dana diaz: 18:34

Some people are given that and some aren't. But I'm glad that I was able to experience all those things to the extent that I'm now able to use those experiences to help other people. You know, maybe I don't have all the answers and maybe I haven't come 100%. I think the healing journey is lifelong.

dana diaz: 18:53

I would argue that I can at least help people understand where they've been, what they feel, give them the verbiage for that, give them the perspective on that and hopefully shift their mindset Like I've been able to shift mine to know that they are worthy and they are deserving and that there is nothing that anybody can say that determines what their worth is or what their potential is or what anything is about them if they don't buy into that narrative. So you know, we have to turn our pain into purpose. I don't want to live who wants to live a boohoo life and I don't mean that offensively if anyone is in that stage. I've cried in fetal position many times in my life. But you know, now I'm taking it and using it as a superpower. You know I understand things some people will never understand and thank God, but that gives me the ability to really get into the deep of it with people who are enduring it.

pamela: 19:53

Dana, when you were writing the book and you're going through that process, I mean, obviously those were things that happened to you many, many years ago. Were there things as you were writing that were coming back to you, that you didn't remember until you started just letting it flow out of you?

dana diaz: 21:03

Yes, there were, in fact. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was, but there was something I woke. I remember like sitting up very, very suddenly in the middle of the night out of a dead sleep and just gasping, because I was like like, how could I not Like it? Just I don't know what I was dreaming, but something brought back a memory, and I'm like I never thought I was that person that suppressed memories, because I have a very clear memory of the past and everything that happened, but I couldn't believe it, and this was actually after the final version of the book had been approved. So this, whatever this was and, like I said, I don't even remember what it was, but it's not even in the book, but, believe me, there's enough in there that that will shock and horrify people. But, yeah, I think.

dana diaz: 21:53

The hardest part of writing it, though, is because, at least the way I write, I don't sugarcoat stuff and I don't tiptoe or go lightly on anything.

dana diaz: 22:05

I have, in fact, especially with this second book, choking on shame.

dana diaz: 22:10

I've had a lot of people say that they don't have any interest in reading it, because, just even like the little sample they give you, you know, whether you're on Amazon or Barnes and Nobles or whatever.

dana diaz: 22:22

That it's just too triggering and I respect that because, just writing it, I remember there were certain scenes that I'm trying to get really like in touch, like what did I see, what did I feel, what did I hear, what did I smell, what did I? You know just everything, so I could really, you know, people say when they read my books they feel like they're there, they feel like they are literally right next to me or they are me going through whatever it is. And that's what I want people to feel, because I think that's helpful, especially for people in the mental health profession. I get a lot of compliments that they're able to help counsel people better after reading my books. But the psychosomatic symptoms for me I'd have migraines that would put me in bed for days, or the nausea, the upset stomach. I mean there were times I just I couldn't even handle my own memories to that depth that I had to walk away.

dana diaz: 23:18

I just that's why it took so long to just get it all out of me and in the right way.

pamela: 23:25

Now that you've gotten it out and it's in the book, does it feel different that you've spoken to everything that's happened to you as a child? Is there any difference that you feel?

dana diaz: 23:36

It feels worse.

dana diaz: 23:38

Does it it feels worse because I think that shame. I was shamed for everything and I was even threatened at one point which I believe is in the book, that if I ever spoke any of this to anybody, if I ever told a soul well, it's out there and you know, publishing day should be very exciting and it's hard that it was exciting but then it wasn't. I mean, I remember telling my publisher on publishing day she's like are you excited? I said no, I feel icky and I mean, here's me, a writer. I should have a better word, but all I could think of was icky. It was like the five-year-old me feeling bad that I'm kind of telling on mom and stepdad I'm saying something I'm not supposed to say because we're not supposed to talk about that.

dana diaz: 24:27

But I think it's really relevant to how society has come along. Because if you think about it, I mean I'm generation X, but if you look at baby boomers and older and even some of the older generation X, they were raised by, have siblings in and a lot of family and many of them still partake in that idea that you don't talk about those things. You keep those things quiet. Remember my great, great grandma, always putting her finger up to her lips. We don't talk about those things. Those are family matters. You know, even back in the day, you know 50s and 60s and before that, women. If things happened at home or to you know, they put their hair in front of their face, they kept their head down and if you saw somebody with a black eye or you didn't say anything, you didn't ask, they didn't tell, and that's how society was. And I think we still have a lot of that going on. It was 1994, which is astounding to me because it's a long time ago, but it's not that long ago.

dana diaz: 25:28

I was in college when 1994 Violence Against Women's Act came out, which allowed for a woman finally at that time to press charges against a spouse or to anybody for sexual abuse, domestic violence. You know these things that we take for granted. If something happens to you, you pick up the phone and call 911. The cops are going to help you. You can get an order of protection.

dana diaz: 25:56

But we are still and if anyone read my first book, gasping for Air, even with my ex-husband in Podunk, usa, where I live, I went for an order of protection after the second incidence of domestic violence that I finally spoke up about and I was told that it didn't seem to be a need for me to have one After a gun and a knife. I was told there's no need for you to have an order of protection. It's a family matter, it's a domestic issue. Yeah, it's a life issue for me. He said he wanted me dead. I have it in writing. He told my neighbor he was planning to kill me and so here we have to think about 1994. You know, that's not that long ago and we're still kind of struggling to get this idea in the entire country and worldwide that it's okay for women to stand up for themselves and say this did happen and I want justice and so many still aren't getting justice.

natalie: 27:00

Wow, when you and you imagine, with 30 years you know of having the passing of this, seeing it as an opportunity to empower women. But there are phases, I think, right like you, you have so much fear women. But there are phases, I think, right Like you, you have so much fear. And then there are so many, unfortunately, stories similar to yours, where the women speak out and they seek help and it's dismissed as not being, you know, severe as they're, they're claiming it to be or not taken seriously or wait until you know, something else happens. And then there are those stories where there's not another occurrence because she's no longer with us. And so in a 30 year span, one would imagine that we've made more progress than we've had. But I think you're right. I think there's so much work still yet to be done. And it's not just policy, right. We can't just say that it's based off of policy. It's a whole cultural mindset shift for women that we have to embrace and make normal.

dana diaz: 27:58

A hundred percent and, granted, it happens to men too. I mean specifically with child abuse. I will never forget was it David Peltzer, I think is the author's name? He wrote A Child, called it, back in 1991, which was one of the most horrific cases in California history of child abuse and he was the third of five children and he was the only one of those five children who was abused. But so horrifically and it's such, I mean it was triggering I had a hard time getting to that, reading that book back then and I reread it again in the last sometime in the last year and I still.

dana diaz: 28:38

There was one chapter in particular where I just I kept starting it and I just I couldn't do it. It was just too much. But we're not going to get change to happen. We're not going to wrap people's head around the fact that these things are happening under our nose and right in front of our face most of the time unless people are willing to address it. And I think that's the interesting thing about my second book. It's certainly not as horrific as David Paltrow's book he certainly has been through it, not to compare trauma. But I think it's interesting that my second book, although a number one new release. It has not made bestseller status yet because I and I'm reaching out to people asking for feedback and it's because so many people oh well, I don't want to read about that kind of stuff.

dana diaz: 29:25

I don't, or it's too triggering, or that's upsetting, or people for some reason and it's interesting to me are more compelled to read my first book. They're okay, I don't want to say they're okay with it, but they're more unfazed, let's say, by a woman being tormented by a partner than they are. They just want nothing to do with the fact that a child was just abused, exiled, banished. I mean, the disservice to children is crushing to my soul because people don't realize. By the age of seven, children are wired for their ideas about how the world works, gender roles, their sense of belonging in their family, in the community, in the world at large. You know, my God, they know they say hundreds of logos by now they can recognize of corporations. They literally are the sponges. They absorb all of it and this impacts the rest of their life. So imagine all the things I said my stepfather was telling me and the things I was basically learning through my mother's inaction by the time I was seven. And this went on until I mean, this went on my whole life. Until, you know, my mother decided to cut contact with me.

dana diaz: 30:50

But you know the damage that does to a person's sense of themselves, their self-worth, and then we can talk about suicide. You know, I have been shamed for having suicidal thoughts, although I never had planned to kill myself. Because I mean, honestly, I cry if somebody pinches me. I can't even take a paper cut. But there are ideas that I've had that I don't want to be here anymore. And it's not about somebody wants to be dead. It's not that they don't want to be in this world, they're just tired of hurting, they're tired of carrying that pain in their hearts. But that pain always, I would argue always starts in their childhood, somewhere, somewhere.

natalie: 31:30

We hope that you have enjoyed part one of our two-part conversation with Dana S Diaz. We are so excited to have her back. Dana is so vulnerable in sharing her own personal story and when you come back and join us, we're going to continue to hear more about Dana's story and what it took to create the book Choking on Shame.

: 31:49

We'll see you all soon. Thank you for joining us today on the Reignite Resilience podcast. We hope you had some aha moments and learned a few new real life ideas. To fuel the flames of passion, please subscribe on your favorite streaming platform, like or download your favorite episodes and, of course, share with your friends and family. We look forward to seeing you again next time on Reignite Resilience.